Anal Sex Part 2: What Has Worked for Us and What to Know
In Part 1, I wrote about how we started. The hesitation, the years it took, the door that closed on penetration when my ED progressed past the point of no return. This part is about where we ended up instead, and it is not a consolation prize. Anal sex is now an active, regular part of how I pleasure my wife. On most nights we are together, it is where we begin. Somewhere around ninety percent of the time.
The Thing Nobody Says Out Loud
Before I get into any of that, I want to address something directly, because I think it stops more couples than the mechanics ever do. People imagine anal sex as inherently unclean. It isn't. A clean anus has no taste to it, none, and I say that as someone who has spent a lot of time there. It is a self cleaning part of the body. I have never once had a bad experience. I already loved giving oral sex before any of this started, so this was never the leap for me that people assume it has to be.
The cleaning ritual we have built matters, but not because the body is dirty on its own. It matters because it does double duty, and I will get to what that means. If the ick factor is the thing keeping you on the sidelines, I would gently push back on it. It was never the obstacle we expected it to be.
Where It Starts
Our routine now has a shape to it, one we did not plan out on paper but that emerged from doing this enough times to know what works. It starts with her in the shower. She cleans herself, and the shower is doing two jobs at once, hygiene and also relaxation. Coming out of a hot shower, her body is already softer, already less guarded, before either of us has touched anything.
From there she comes to bed. Some nights naked, some nights she puts something on for my benefit, and I love her either way, but I notice the deliberateness of it when she chooses the second option. We put down the Layered Blanket before anything else happens, because lube makes a mess and neither of us wants to think about the sheets in the middle of this. It sounds unsexy written out like that. In practice it is just part of the choreography now, one more sign that we know exactly what kind of night this is going to be.
The Foria Routine
I apply Foria Awaken to both her vulva and her anus, not just one or the other. Treating the whole area as connected rather than isolating the anus by itself changes the feel of the whole night. About thirty percent of the time I will also insert a Foria Melt anally before we start. Those are, without question, our best nights. The Melt gives her anal muscles a kind of relaxation topical oil alone cannot reach, and when I insert a plug afterward, her body opens in a way that feels almost effortless compared to nights without it. I genuinely enjoy that part, choosing the plug, feeling how much easier everything is when she is that relaxed.
The Slow Build
Once the products are on, we do not rush toward anything. I rub her back and shoulders with coconut oil, taking my time, no clock running in either of our heads. Twenty or thirty minutes in, once she is loose and unhurried, I add a second layer of lube, this time Jo, directly to her anus, and start spreading her cheeks and massaging that space specifically.
Only then does the actual warming up begin. A gentle finger, right at the opening, nothing more than that at first. This is the part that requires real patience, more than any other step. She is telling me the whole time, in words and in the small ways her body responds, whether to keep going or hold where we are. I am reading her, not working off a script.
Breaching, This Time With Range
When she is primed, I spread her open and use the flat of my tongue against her opening. Light flutters first, nothing deep, just enough to keep her body relaxing instead of tensing. From there the tip of my tongue starts going deeper, and I let that build slowly, because rushing it undoes everything the last twenty minutes were building toward.
On the nights that go furthest, I bring a plug into it, alternating between the plug and my fingers, breaching the sphincter a little more each time while my tongue keeps working the space between the plug and her opening, stretching her gently as we go. I keep different sizes on hand for exactly this reason, and which one I reach for depends entirely on how she is feeling that particular night. On our best nights she is the one asking me to open her wider. I do not know how to describe what that does to me except to say it might be the single sexiest thing that happens in our marriage.
What Her Body Does Now
This is the part Part 1 could not have told you, because it was not true yet when I wrote it. Orgasm through anal stimulation alone is possible for my wife now. Not occasionally, not as a fluke. It is a real, repeatable outcome of a night like this. Sometimes I will bring a toy to her clitoris at the same time, or use one on her vaginally while I continue working her anally, and the combination takes her somewhere more intense than either one alone ever did.
Watching her body respond, knowing what I am doing is the reason, gives me a kind of satisfaction I do not get many other places in our sex life. I get real pleasure from this. Not secondary pleasure, not the pleasure of being a good partner while I wait my turn. My own arousal is tied directly to what her body is doing in response to mine. And rather than that being where things wind down, this is usually where her desire heightens. She wants to be taken further, to a new and higher dimension, and that is where her clitoris and her G-spot come in. She describes what happens there as an entirely different set of sensations from anything anal touch gives her, not better or worse, just different territory.
Then We Move to What She Loves Most
Once I feel that shift in her, I turn her over and get to work on her vulva. Oral sex is by far her favorite thing to experience, and it's where we go next. Anyone who read the piece I wrote about oral sex and the imbalance in our marriage knows that wasn't always true, and it wasn't always this generous between us. It is now. Anal sex was never meant to be the whole night. It's the opening act.
Building Toward More
We are exploring multi-orgasmic experiences right now, and the anal orgasm is usually the first in that progression, not the end of it. It sets the stage for something deeper once I move to her clitoris and her G-spot. Here is the honest version of the challenge we are working on: bringing my wife to orgasm has never been the hard part. The hard part is helping her build the patience and control to let her body go further, to stay in that heightened state instead of finishing at the first peak. That is the actual frontier for us right now, and it is what keeps our sex life interesting and vital this many years in.
Then It's My Turn
When she has had enough and genuinely cannot take any more, we turn our attention to my pleasure. My wife strokes me and gives me oral, and brings me to ejaculation. The order is intentional, not incidental. She is pleasured first, fully, and only once we are both satisfied with that do I get the release I am looking for. It's a sequence we didn't set out to design on purpose, but it's become the shape of nearly every night we're together.
What ED Actually Changed
None of this exists apart from my ED. Entering and sustaining an erection is genuinely difficult for me, and that reality reshaped the entire arc of our love life. We had a choice when that became clear: give up on a rich sex life, or get creative. We chose the second one. Expanding our repertoire, bringing in toys, leaning on imagination, and deepening the actual skill involved in pleasuring each other, all of that added a dimension to what we experience together that I don't think we would have found otherwise.
Being honest with each other about the physical realities, instead of pretending they weren't there, is what led us down this path. Our love has grown because of it. Our intimacy has grown because of it. Our physical attraction to each other has grown because of it. I did not expect a limitation to be the thing that deepened all three, but it genuinely is. It's a beautiful story, and I did not see it coming when this all started.
Still Not Bored
Ninety percent of our encounters start this way now, and neither of us has grown tired of it, not the anal play, not what comes after, not any of it. That surprised me a little, writing it down. Things that become routine usually lose some charge along the way. This hasn't. What started as one workaround for one physical limitation turned into an entire evening built on patience, and that patience is the thing that keeps paying off. It is still the whole reason any of this works.
If any of this makes you curious about what patience like this can build over time, we put together a free guide called The Five Intimacy Truths Nobody Tells Long Married Couples. It draws on 27 years of real marriage and includes five action steps you can use right now. It's a good place to start.
