We are five posts into a series on shame and desire in long marriages. We have covered What Nobody Teaches Men About Desire and where that silence comes from. The Conversation Most Married Couples Are Avoiding and what it costs. How Shame Survives in a Good Marriage and what it
I want to be honest about where we are before I tell you how we got here. My wife and I are not on the other side of this. There is no other side. What we have is a marriage that is more honest than it has ever been, a
My wife and I have a good marriage. I want to say that clearly before anything else in this post, because what follows is going to sound like a description of a broken one. It isn’t. We have built something real over twenty-seven years. We love each other. We
There is a conversation happening in most long marriages. It just isn’t the one that needs to happen. My wife and I got very good at talking around the things that mattered. We had twenty-seven years of practice. We could discuss anything, the kids, the finances, the neighbors, the
I went looking for ways to spice up my marriage. What I found instead was how truly ignorant I was about human anatomy, sexual desire, deep connection, and the importance of honest communication in intimate relationships. Not a little ignorant. Profoundly, completely, embarrassingly ignorant. And I was in my late
My wife had been out of town for a few days. When she got home, we did what long married couples do. We caught up, settled back into the rhythm of the house, and made plans for the week ahead. At some point during our conversation, she said the thing
You think it’s just the two of you. It isn’t. Every person who ever said something that landed wrong. Every parent who taught you, intentionally or not, what desire was supposed to look like. Every lover who left a mark. Every classmate who said something cruel at exactly
It was October 2019. Our 21st anniversary. My wife and I were traveling together. She had a continuing education conference to attend, and we turned the trip into something more, a celebration. We found ourselves in one of the most romantic and beautiful locations in the United States. An oceanfront
I didn’t set out to become someone who listens to podcasts about sex. I was a husband in a long marriage, trying to figure out why something that should have been natural felt increasingly complicated. I had questions I didn’t know how to ask and desires I didn’
I was twelve years old when I found my older brother’s Playboy magazines. I remember it clearly. I found them hidden underneath his bed and in his closet, and I later figured out that he had a subscription. Once a month a new one would arrive, which meant new
Let me say something that will probably get me in trouble with every marriage therapist who has ever lived: scheduled date night is one of the most overrated pieces of relationship advice ever given. There. I said it. Every book, every podcast, every well-meaning friend with a good marriage tells
A woman posted something on Reddit recently that I couldn’t stop thinking about. She wanted her husband to want her more. She’d brought it up several times already — the passion gap, the feeling of not being pursued — and nothing had changed. So one day, half joking, she asked